Alcoholism...Ouch

Alcoholism is more real to me then ever! The pain of watching a loved one become a different person. They say they want to stop, but they cant say no. They take everything out on you and flat out break my heart. So what do I do? Just walk away or stay and put up with the pain to help them? I shouldn't have to make this decision...I'm only 20 and can't even legally drink myself. It makes it ten times harder when they ask for your help, but they keep letting them selves down and in turn letting me down.
Life just plain ol' sucks right now! Something has got to give, but what? Everything bad is happening all at once! I want my life back. Life is not fair. I guess I have to live by what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger! Well unless it kills me, but it won't I will overcome all of this one day!

Personal Life Over Powering My Future

What are we supposed to do after high school? Go to more school and become something! Well I went to EMT school and I work in an ER, but I don't want to do that forever. So I'm back in school to get my degree in biology. But then what? I have big dreams for myself...I want to be a cardiac surgeon! But how? I feel like I'm standing still and the world is spinning out of control. I just want to scream STOP!
I seem to be letting my personal life affect the big picture! My crazy on again off again boyfriend, my stressful work, trying to please my family, and trying to still remain the sane one of my friends who always has her head on straight. Well I'm sick of pleasing everyone else! Everyone around me is so happy and then there's me; I put on the happy face and pretend so I don't cause waves. Maybe it's time for people to go surfing!
This is my life and I want to take it back! Focus 1000% on school. Yes 1000% not 100%! Put myself first so one day I can heal people and make great money for my future family! So even though I'm scared I'm going to take that leap. Look at myself and love everything about me! Be the good student, daughter, friend and girlfriend I know I am! I hope...

MS...what now?

So I'm sitting at dinner with my boyfriend and his brother when it happened. My phone rang and mom told me that I better be sitting down. My 19 year old cousin was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I started to cry. I asked God, "Why? He's 19! He has the rest of his life in front of him! Why?" Multiple sclerosis means "many scars" because it is characterized by scars and lesions on the spinal cord and brain.
I spent the few weeks in and out of the hospital with him! He has been in so much pain and just wants someone to be with him! His legs, part of his torso, his left arm and both hands are numb and tingly. He has the biggest headache from having a spinal tap done.
Since I work in a hospital I see this all the time and it has never affected me. But when it hits close to home it hurts. I'm supposed to help people get better, but how do help your family when they're so close to you? It's like being to close to the problem and you cant see the answer! So....now what? I will just be there for him while he is in and out of the hospital. I just wish I could take the pain away!

My car

When I was in high school I ran my car out of oil...twice! How horrible is that? It taught me that I need to be more responsible. I am now driving my great grandpa's car. It's a 2001 Kia Sportage. My car was a 1998 Saturn. I miss my car! It is now in the shop and it will cost me about $1,000 to fix it. I want to buy a new car but being a full time student it is almost impossible. God teaches us lessons everyday. And he sure taught me one about taking care of something you need.

Favorite Music

When someone asks me what my favorite music is I tell them everything! I listen to every type of music out there. It's funny because I can flip through the radio stations and almost every song that comes on any station I can sing word for word. Songs from country to heavy metal.
I was talking to some people and I told them how I wish I could memorize school work like I memorize songs! That would be so nice. Music is so much more then sound. It is a way of life! Every song has a meaning that can speak to me somehow! When I've had a bad day I listen to music. When I have a good day I listen to music. I'm always listening to music. I don't know any person that doesn't listen to some type of music.

This I Believe...my feed back!

When I read this essay "The Present Is Where I live" it truly touched me! I work in an Emergency Room and I see people who are on their death bed everyday. You get to a point where your numb. Death doesn't bother you. You can't let it get to you because it will overcome you and take you down. In his essay he talks about his brushes with life and how it has helped with the lose of his loved ones.
Not many people understand death. It takes seeing death all the time or being at the grace of God for you to get it. I now am not afraid of death. I love life and as long as I am living in the present there is nothing more I can do.
The writer also talks about being with his loved ones as they pass. Let me tell you that it is not easy. I was by my grandmothers side as she took her last breath. It was sad of course and oddly happy at the same time. I knew she was in a better place and no longer had to deal with troubles of this world. I know she is now looking down upon me, watching over me and protecting me. So live for today...you never know when I may be your last!

http://www.thisibelieve.com/dsp_ShowEssay.php?uid=2043&themelist=carpe%20diem&yval=0&start=0

Life When You're Only 20...sad!

So there you are...you just turned 2o and you're so excited. You're not a teenager any more and you are starting to live your own life. Then it hits you...CRAP I gotta work full time, go to school full time, pay bills and try to have a social life. It looks so easy for our parents. I guess it's just because they have had a lot of practice. Growing up can be fun and that's what I have to keep reminding myself. That time on this earth will go by so fast. So I'm going to make the most of it. And hey next birthday I can legally drink! YAY!

What I Believe In

I have tons of belifes. I think they come from the way I was raised. I remember when I was really little my great grandma telling my dad, "Don't sweat the small shit and remember it's all small shit." Back then I had no idea what she was talking about! Now that I 'm older it all makes since and I truly believe it. This time on earth is so short compared to life in heaven. So what is the point of freaking out? You always here oh don't worry you only missed five minutes of class don't beat yourself up about it. Well as long as you are striving to be your personal best then it shouldn't matter. You know when you've messed up and when you need to step up and be better. So don't let it get to you. In the grand skeam of life it really is all small shit. Take what you want from my grandma's saying. It may mean something totally different for you. Either way it still means something.

The day in the life of...ME!

I wake up in the morning roll over and shut off that annoying alarm clock. I lay in bed for another 20 minutes dreading the fact that I have to get up. When I finally get up it's straight to the shower to try to finish waking up. I get out and try to make myself beautiful. An hour later I'm ready to head to school. I have school from 9:30 to 5:35. It makes for a long day. It gets better, or worse depending on the day, I go home to grab a bite to eat then it's straight off to karate. Then finally it's home to do homework and study. Then my favorite time of the day...BED! On days I don't have school I'm with my family and boyfriend or at work. I work at Swedish Medical Center in the ER. I see a lot, do a lot and learn a lot! I love being able to help people! That's why I am going to school. Overall during the school year life is boring!

If I became President what the heck would I say?

Hmm...if I ran for President first of all America would rock! Just the thought of me becoming President scares me and my friends. Okay now lets think what would I say to the American public? I would start by thanking everyone how voted for me, the little people. Then I would thank my campaign peeps and maybe my family and friends who would've had to put up with me! I, of course, would have someone write my speech for me then I'd read over it an hour before. I would be in hair and make up for hours looking perfect for all to see. We know one thing for sure I'd be the hottest president ever! George Washington eat your heart out! I'd take my time walking out on stage as if it were a runway. People would throw roses at my feet because they would adore me so much! Okay hold the phone...
Who in there right mind would even give me the idea to run for President? As you just read I would the worst President ever! I'd want a photo shoot in the oval office. Man the white house could hold some pretty sweet ass parties though. There I go again...dreamin'. Let's just stop while we're ahead! No President here, but we never talked about vice President did we?!

My Eulogy of Golden

I grew up in Golden, Colorado. My grandparents lived just off of Washington Street up the hill from Parfet Park were, for those of you who know Golden, they put on Buffalo Bill Days. I remember like it was yesterday all the fun my cousins and I would have at my grandparents house.
My grandpa would give of us each a dollar to walk down to the 7-eleven and get a candy bar. We would each get something different and share. On the way down the hill we would race then we would stick your little fingers in the change return on the pay phone to see if anyone left their money behind, just like grandpa did. When we got back up to their house my grandma would always have something fun for us to do. There were days we would go out to the garden and pick fresh raspberries. Grandma would tell us not to eat them so she could wash them and make a pie but we did anyway. There were fresh honey suckles growing up the fence and grandpa taught us how to suck the "honey" out. Grandma would take us to the out door swimming pool one days when they brought out the big blow up Clifford for everyone to jump on. And when we were done swimming we would get a snack of our choice. Those were the days.
Things are so different now. My grandparents have both passed away. The 7-eleven is gone, the pool is gone, my grandparents garden is gone. In fact all of Golden is, to me, gone. People are building condos, hotels, and new restaurants. They stole the home town feel away from everyone who knew my Golden. I still love Golden, but it is no longer my Golden. It will forever bring up those old memories. But instead of standing in front of the pool, I stand in front of a parking lot and imagine the pool. I can sometimes hear my grandparents yelling at us kids. I still imagine running around their garden causing trouble with my cousins. I still imagine racing down the hill to the old 7-eleven. But never again will I be able to relive those moments, I just keep them tucked away in my heart.

09/22/08

Many people go there. That place where trees look like there leaves and needles are slumping over. As soon as you walk outside you see them, the poor things are so close together as if in a sea of loneliness. When you go there you might here the wind blow, although it feels so good on your skin you can here the trees begin to cry. Very little flowers bloom there and the ones that do are thinking if they want to be there in the first place. Everything is cemented. Cemented in their prison with no where to grow. When you look at them they'll show you that they're dying. I am guessing from the lack of attention. Oh wait...a women walks through them, walking on their roots as is to be stomping on their hearts. As she approaches you can see the lit cigarette in her mouth and she flicks ash down upon them. Well at least these trees aren't alone. I am here!

My tattoos and piercings!

Yes and I do have piercings and tattoos! I love them all! I have two tatts! My first one is of a dove holding a ribbon with "WW" on the ribbon. This means a lot to me because it is for my grandparents. The dove I choose was on both of their funeral announcements and the "WW" stands for William and Wanda. This is the tattoo that I look at everyday and pray that one day I will see them again!

My other tatt says "Fly Me Home." Then it has two angle wings with a cross in the middle! Most people don't understand this one, but that is the cool part...I don't care! I am a very spiritual person and to me home is heaven. I'm waiting for the day God returns or I die! Okay so now you think I crazy. I love my life and don't want to die by any means, but it represents the hardship in life!

Now on to piercings. I have my ears pierced five times. Two in each lobe and one in my cartilage. I also have my belly button done. I love my navel!!!!! It is not for anyone but me! I love to play with it and my stomach doesn't look so boring! I want more, but with being a working adult (scary words right there) I just can't.

Bottom line is that I love my body art and I don't care what anyone has to say about it! You don't like it don't look! I promise I'm a nice person!

BIRTHDAY

So my birthday is on Saturday! I'm turning 20! It's not like I am old or anything, but is making me think about my life! What am I really doing? Going to school, working, spending time with my family and boyfriend. Some days I know what I want to do with my life and other days I have no idea!
Since I work in an Emergency Room I see a lot of things. It makes me realizes that I need to have more fun in my life and grow up more all at the same time! People say life only gets harder and I understand that, but I think this will be the hardest time of my life. Still living with my parents, but trying to move on. Wanting to live my own life, but not making enough money to and not truly knowing what I want to do.
Oh my now I'm rambling! Okay deep breath....I'm going to enjoy my birthday and go with the flow! Heck I only turn 20 once right! Now the 21st will be the best! We're already planning for Vegas!

Images

Everywhere you go there are images of people. Magazines, TV, brouchers, books, the internet, school, work...the list goes on and on! America trys to conform people. Every time you look at pictures from the media, even something local, you see "beautiful people." Well at least the media's idea of beautiful.
The sad thing is young women and even men see these things and they think that is what they need to look like. Even very young children, the cartoons these days are just insane. Artists draw girls super skinny and with hardly any clothes on. These children watching are just kids...come on now!
I'm 20 and I of course watch TV shows that have these super thin beautiful girls. So I tell my boyfriend, "Honey I'd look perfect too if I had someone do my hair, make-up and pick my clothes. But I don't want to be like them, I'm me!" I know I'm not perfect, neither are those so called "perfect people." I am me....so just be you. People are drawn to confidence, so show everyone that you don't care what the media says, that picture you see in the mall, what size your jeans are...God made you that way for a reason so enjoy the gift of life!

The McCain Speech

Okay so I watched the McCain speech and about fell asleep. I like him and he has all of my respect because of his history in the armed forces, but I think we heard that enough! I am going to take a stab in the dark here...I say the focal point of his speech is that he loves his country and wants to make it better!
McCain is not a very strong speaker in my opinion. To me his speech was all over the place. I had a hard time focusing on him. I think he would be a great president, but I'm sick of hearing his war stories. You've heard them once, and it touched you deeply, but then he just keeps bringing it up over and over again. So yes tell me the story of the hero you are and that you love your country! Then move on...
I guess some of you reading this might not like my idea of his speech. I am pretty grumpy today. Let's bring it back down shall we. McCain loves his country and all of the people in it. If he really wants to bring about a change I am all for it! I do also respect him for not slamming Obama like Obama slammed him. It shows that he is the bigger man. And on that note I think I will stop rambling!

The American Promise

Obama's speech was one of a life time! So many people were expecting a soft side of Obama, but he came out strong with a point to prove. He wants change for the American people more then anything he wants to keep a promise....the American promise!
This was the focal point if his speech. America is going through a rough patch, where us, the middle class hard working men and women are struggling day to day just to make ends meet. Me, as student, is fighting to find the money to pay for my education; to better myself for my future family. My parents and I both have jobs. My father is a firefighter at West Metro Fire Rescue, my mother is a teacher for Jefferson County, and I am an EMT at Swedish Medical Center in the ER. We all have jobs that give to others and everyday we selflessly work to help people. But then I fill out a FASFA, and my family and I are told that we make to much money combined. Well you tell me where I kind find this money that we supposedly have. Yes we make money, but that money goes to bills, how about food, we need that right? Why cant I find the money I need to go to school?
Obama says he will keep the American promise alive! So that the middle class will stop slipping into poverty. So that everyone, regardless of their job, will work hard for themselves and their fellow Americans! So that a single mother does not need to worry about calling in sick to take care of her sick child, and when our soldiers return home they too can find what they need to survive! The American promise...lets all keep it alive!

Texts...educational or not?

Text...you see it everywhere, but do you ever stop and think if it means something? I know I don't. When you're driving you see text, when you walking down the halls of school, and when you're at your place of work. What is educational and what isn't? What is to you is not to me.
When you're driving street signs are very educational, but that stupid billboard about lose ten pounds in two minutes is not. Walking down the hallway at school I see tons of text. Text about people who need a roommate, this class is this way that class is that way, and don't forget about the million upon millons of pages of books we have to read. And then you have our cell phones, which can't help but be used in school. I average about 2,000 texts a month and some people even more. Now places of work. No matter where you work there is text! If you're a life gaurd there are rules posted, heck even the name of the place is more then likely written in a million different places. I work in a hospital, Swedish Medical Center in the ER, there is text everywhere! Rules, directions, charts, name tags...the list goes on and on!
I have gone over just a few things I come across in my life. Weather or not it is educational is not up to me or you! I may think it is and will think I'm crazy for thinking that it is. Who am I to tell anyone what is educational, but I do have my opinions...that's for sure!