Alcoholism...Ouch

Alcoholism is more real to me then ever! The pain of watching a loved one become a different person. They say they want to stop, but they cant say no. They take everything out on you and flat out break my heart. So what do I do? Just walk away or stay and put up with the pain to help them? I shouldn't have to make this decision...I'm only 20 and can't even legally drink myself. It makes it ten times harder when they ask for your help, but they keep letting them selves down and in turn letting me down.
Life just plain ol' sucks right now! Something has got to give, but what? Everything bad is happening all at once! I want my life back. Life is not fair. I guess I have to live by what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger! Well unless it kills me, but it won't I will overcome all of this one day!

Personal Life Over Powering My Future

What are we supposed to do after high school? Go to more school and become something! Well I went to EMT school and I work in an ER, but I don't want to do that forever. So I'm back in school to get my degree in biology. But then what? I have big dreams for myself...I want to be a cardiac surgeon! But how? I feel like I'm standing still and the world is spinning out of control. I just want to scream STOP!
I seem to be letting my personal life affect the big picture! My crazy on again off again boyfriend, my stressful work, trying to please my family, and trying to still remain the sane one of my friends who always has her head on straight. Well I'm sick of pleasing everyone else! Everyone around me is so happy and then there's me; I put on the happy face and pretend so I don't cause waves. Maybe it's time for people to go surfing!
This is my life and I want to take it back! Focus 1000% on school. Yes 1000% not 100%! Put myself first so one day I can heal people and make great money for my future family! So even though I'm scared I'm going to take that leap. Look at myself and love everything about me! Be the good student, daughter, friend and girlfriend I know I am! I hope...

MS...what now?

So I'm sitting at dinner with my boyfriend and his brother when it happened. My phone rang and mom told me that I better be sitting down. My 19 year old cousin was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I started to cry. I asked God, "Why? He's 19! He has the rest of his life in front of him! Why?" Multiple sclerosis means "many scars" because it is characterized by scars and lesions on the spinal cord and brain.
I spent the few weeks in and out of the hospital with him! He has been in so much pain and just wants someone to be with him! His legs, part of his torso, his left arm and both hands are numb and tingly. He has the biggest headache from having a spinal tap done.
Since I work in a hospital I see this all the time and it has never affected me. But when it hits close to home it hurts. I'm supposed to help people get better, but how do help your family when they're so close to you? It's like being to close to the problem and you cant see the answer! So....now what? I will just be there for him while he is in and out of the hospital. I just wish I could take the pain away!

My car

When I was in high school I ran my car out of oil...twice! How horrible is that? It taught me that I need to be more responsible. I am now driving my great grandpa's car. It's a 2001 Kia Sportage. My car was a 1998 Saturn. I miss my car! It is now in the shop and it will cost me about $1,000 to fix it. I want to buy a new car but being a full time student it is almost impossible. God teaches us lessons everyday. And he sure taught me one about taking care of something you need.

Favorite Music

When someone asks me what my favorite music is I tell them everything! I listen to every type of music out there. It's funny because I can flip through the radio stations and almost every song that comes on any station I can sing word for word. Songs from country to heavy metal.
I was talking to some people and I told them how I wish I could memorize school work like I memorize songs! That would be so nice. Music is so much more then sound. It is a way of life! Every song has a meaning that can speak to me somehow! When I've had a bad day I listen to music. When I have a good day I listen to music. I'm always listening to music. I don't know any person that doesn't listen to some type of music.

This I Believe...my feed back!

When I read this essay "The Present Is Where I live" it truly touched me! I work in an Emergency Room and I see people who are on their death bed everyday. You get to a point where your numb. Death doesn't bother you. You can't let it get to you because it will overcome you and take you down. In his essay he talks about his brushes with life and how it has helped with the lose of his loved ones.
Not many people understand death. It takes seeing death all the time or being at the grace of God for you to get it. I now am not afraid of death. I love life and as long as I am living in the present there is nothing more I can do.
The writer also talks about being with his loved ones as they pass. Let me tell you that it is not easy. I was by my grandmothers side as she took her last breath. It was sad of course and oddly happy at the same time. I knew she was in a better place and no longer had to deal with troubles of this world. I know she is now looking down upon me, watching over me and protecting me. So live for today...you never know when I may be your last!

http://www.thisibelieve.com/dsp_ShowEssay.php?uid=2043&themelist=carpe%20diem&yval=0&start=0

Life When You're Only 20...sad!

So there you are...you just turned 2o and you're so excited. You're not a teenager any more and you are starting to live your own life. Then it hits you...CRAP I gotta work full time, go to school full time, pay bills and try to have a social life. It looks so easy for our parents. I guess it's just because they have had a lot of practice. Growing up can be fun and that's what I have to keep reminding myself. That time on this earth will go by so fast. So I'm going to make the most of it. And hey next birthday I can legally drink! YAY!